Of All the Retarded Things in Life
by Lord Fluffs-a-lot
Summary: Kagome was used to working alone as the top-ranked spy in all of Japan, proud of her spotless record until a certain tall, silver-haired man shows up as her new partner.


**Yes. OCCness will rule the world one day. Period. Oh, and blueberries too; can't forget that.**

**Le sigh, I really should work on updating my previous stories. I'm thinking about writing a short one about Hidan from Naruto in that bleach commercial where the guy was like "Do you still use bleach on your clothes, even though there's this triangle thingy on the tag? Well, fear no more, because now you can!"**

**Guh, but maybe I should finish my other stories first…. (–.-U)**

OoO~OoO

"Kagome, you realize that this mission is highly dangerous and top secret."

"I know."

"If you fail, our government loses millions of dollars."

"Yup."

"You'll need billions of dollars worth of equipment."

"Check."

I adjusted my armband and gazed at the reflection that stared confidently back at me. She was absently short, but held her thin frame high. I smiled.

InuYasha, my home base director, handed me my navigator and stepped back, a smirk lingering on his lips.

"What? Anything else you wanna tell me?"

He grinned and looked away. I had a bad feeling about this. I slipped my gloves on and tucked my sunglasses into my pocket. This time, I had on a tight black shirt that exposed a pale strip of skin and extremely baggy pair of green cargo pants that could've swallowed me whole.

"You know that the whole department is extremely cautious about the whole deal. The president ordered that your protection be held in the highest regard."

I rolled my eyes and pushed him aside as I walked out the door, haphazardly pulling my hair up into a ponytail. InuYasha trotted behind me, his silver hair swaying behind him.

"So?"

"Well…"

I entered into the coffee room, shocked by the tall, lean figure that balanced against the marble table with utmost grace. His narrowed, golden eyes flickered to me with boredom. The man's grace didn't startle me as much as his attractively good looks, though. However…

"Why the hell are you taking food from my bag?!" I screeched, stomping up to the man and snatching the crimson sack from his hands. He had my blueberry muffin and chomped down on it faster then I could grab it.

"Kagome Higurashi," InuYasha said as he rejoined me. "This is your new partner, Sesshoumaru Taisho."

My mouth dropped as the man grumbled and scowled.

"WHAT THE HELL?! Oh my god, I've been doing missions for EIGHT years now BY. MYSELF," I snapped emphasizing the last part as I threw a dagger-like glare at the two guys.

InuYasha held his clipboard in front of him like a shield.

"Yeah, well, I don't make the rul-"

I stormed past him without a word, fury building up inside of him. I had thought that the department could trust me now. Obviously, the opposite was the case. In my mind, it was like they thought that I couldn't do this mission by myself.

"Wait, Kagome!"

InuYasha burst out of the room, waving his clipboard. I ignored him and headed to a different room.

"Kagome! Hey, just wait and listen to me!"

"I'm not listening to your crappy explanations, InuYasha. They should know by now that I don't so well with partners."

"So, what, are you just afraid that you can't protect two people at the same time?" he scoffed. I whirled on him and grabbed his collar, pinning him up against the wall.

"I can protect more than that, you frickin' piece of booger."

I released him and he just dusted off his shirt like nothing had happened. This actually occurred more times than I could remember, spawning from my hate for him.

"Well, please. This is only a one-time thing; the department and the government are just nervous about you; that's all. Remember last time when you nearly blew up-"

"Shut. Up."

InuYasha kept at my side like n obedient puppy. I considered kicking him into the wall, but then thought better of it.

"Fine," I snarled. "I'll take the lunch-stealer with me. Just tell Lord-of-lunch-thieves that if he gets in my way, I won't hesitate to jam a dagger in his ribs."

He snorted.

"Isn't that kind of a give in already? No wonder everybody's terrified of you."

I rolled my eyes again and waved him off with a flick of my wrist. My stomach was twisting in weird shapes. One thing about spying was that it was not a good idea to go hungry. The thin line between life and death could be a stomach growl, a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

InuYasha threw me his trademark grin and raced back to the Lord.

Suddenly, I stopped dead at the cafeteria, my eye twitching like crazy. I slowly turned back around, my face turning red.

"THAT PIECE OF SHIT ATE MY ENTIRE LUNCH!!!"

OoO~OoO

"A bow and arrow? Seriously?"

I had only spent two minutes in the car with my new "partner," and he was already insulting my weapons.

"I had a gun in my pocket. Do you want me to show it to you?" I growled, allowing sarcasm to coat my words. He smiled deviously and rested his chin on his wrist, letting the wind from the open window blow his hair back. I swear he could've been in a Pantene commercial, or something. His long, silver hair blew back in a way that had ME jealous about my own obsidian hair.

"Well, as a professional spy, I had expected for you to use, well, more _modern_ weapons."

My eye twitched as I gripped the steering wheel tighter. The car's speedometer only increased.

"I _have_ more weapons, Sherlock. They're in the back."

"More arrows?"

I had been a skilled archer, not really knowing what to do with my talent until the government hired me as a spy. I was also a skilled gymnast and fully trained in hand-to-hand combat. It wasn't hard for me to reach top-ranks.

"Shut up or I'll smash a pocketknife down your mouth."

Not only was my new partner annoying, he was extremely arrogant and conceited. On top of all that, a lot of girls were constantly staring at him, upsetting my nerves. Even thought he was never interested in any of them, I still had to pull him away every single time from the rabid fans.

"I'd like to see you try."

"It's amusing; they always choke on blood and spew it out like a fountain. Allow me to demonstrate."

Sesshoumaru chuckled and glanced at me.

"When they told me that I was going to work with Higurashi, they never told me that the top spy was a girl."

_I DARE YOU TO BURN IN HEEEELLLLL!!! _my inner self screamed, but I only clenched my jaw. I had never wished for a seat-ejection button more in my life than I had at that moment.

I pulled into the empty parking lot, instantly going into full-alert mode. Sesshoumaru tensed, his golden eyes seeming to glow. I parked in a dark corner and turned the car off.

"Remember," I instructed, getting out of the car. He mimicked me. "The gang that congregates here has a special map, a code. They say that the boss keeps it in a manila folder in his black briefcase."

I went around to the back of the car and unlatched the door. When it opened, an assortment of guns, knifes, explosives, and arrows swiveled out in retracting drawers. I threw Sesshoumaru a switchblade and gun while I took out my favorite weapon: the bow and arrow. It was retractable, along with the arrows so that I could fit it into my pocket. Even thought it was about as thin as my pinky finger, it was made out of the same stuff as spiders' web. I fit in fifteen folded arrows in my pocket and closed the door.

Sesshoumaru and I headed towards the seemingly empty brick building, fully loaded down with defensive weapons. However, one thing that I learned was that carrying too much could cause problems, because during hand-to-hand combat, your opponent could grab something of yours and use it as a weapon against you.

"Oh, and the gang here uses a code to get in." I tossed him the same white armband I wore with the black dot in the middle. "It's A3D5T. They'll kill you on the spot if you don't know it."

"A3D5T. Anything else?"

I thought about it for a second, my brow furrowed.

"Well, just stay close to me. This isn't my first involvement with this gang. Um, you might have to pose as my…"

"Boyfriend?" he snorted.

"Yeah. It'll buy us some time with the guys and girls there."

"Figures."

I brushed away the shaky feeling inside of me. Usually, I would have pranced up to the door with utmost confidence, but knowing that now, I had another person to protect, I became nervous. Secretly, this was why I hated being partnered.

The two guys at the door raised eyebrows when I walked up to them, a flirtatious smile pulling up my lips.

"Hey, love the boobs," one called out and the other guy laughed hysterically. Sesshoumaru tensed again, but I held him down with a hand.

"Come 'ere, sexy. The boss invited you for his bed tonight? The last girl was shit."

"Sorry, boys, I'm dating," I drawled. Their faces fell.

"What's the passcode?"

"The girl first."

"A3D5T," I murmured as I walked by their sweaty bodies. One tried to reach for my butt, but I knocked his hairy hand away. I prayed that Sesshoumaru would remember the code, and sighed in relief when he walked up next to me.

The dance club inside pulsed with rap music and pressed bodies, all sweating together and swaying to horrible music. I made my way through, holding Sesshoumaru's hand so that I wouldn't lose him through the crowd. He wrapped his long fingers around my own, and for some reason, my face turned five shades deeper.

"Hey sexy."

"Come dance with me! I'm so lonely!"

"Come on, you fine ass!"

I ignored their begging cries and pulled him closer to me, feeling possessive. For business reasons only, of course. I had almost forgotten about his beautiful features, making him a target for heated, barely-clad, perverted girls.

"I hate this place," I grumbled. Sesshoumaru grabbed my other shoulder, nearly pressed up against me, and gently pushed me forward.

The bosses' door was metal and iron-tough, guarded by two burly men with machine guns. I was grateful for the lack of noise, since we took a detour through a creepy, empty hallway. This area was at least out of dance room.

"You got an appointment with the boss?" one of them barked, obviously the kind of person who took his job seriously.

"You have an appointment with this."

I jammed my knee in his jaw, feeling it crack over the blow. He groaned as I jammed a knife in his back when he bent over. I wrenched the gun out of his grasp so that it wouldn't go off. When I turned to Sesshoumaru, I saw him stand over a bloody guard number two, his throat slit. He smiled at me and glanced at the door.

Maybe a partner wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.

I simply kicked the door down, grateful for the weak hinges, and I stormed in with my Sesshoumaru, my bow instantly whipped out with the arrow.

The boss sat behind a simple desk, his sun-glassed face passive. The deep wrinkles on his face told of a man about fourty-ish, but his hair was pure black, chin was folded between his laced fingers. The disgusting scent of cigarettes permeated the air.

"So, Kagome, back to finish the job?" he drawled in a lazy tone, not at all surprised to see me.

"We have evidence that you stole the ten million dollars," I snapped, keeping the bow string tight and trained on his heart. Out the corner of my eye, I saw the envelope that contained the information necessary to convict him.

"The money," he chuckled in a mocking voice. "I thought that you came back for me."

"Go to hell."

I release the arrow just as Sesshoumaru turned to me, his eyes wide. Another guy burst in through the open door cavity and shot off a single bullet. It hit the arrow pointblank and shot it in half. I gaped.

"Kagome!"

I grabbed a head behind me and threw a punch in his stomach with just enough time to scissor-kick another guy in the face. More men poured in as I took down each other guy.

It seemed like Sesshoumaru was doing okay too, moving with deadly speed and accuracy. I was actually pretty impressed with his moves. His blood-red dagger flashed faster than you could scream for help.

I saw the boss sprint by me just as I was just twisting a guy's neck, the briefcase flying behind him.

"You're not getting away this time!" I screamed. I ducked a punched, partially amused as the man missed and punched out another guy, and raced out after him. This boss had been on the run for years now, nearly untraceable by our government due to his frequent relocations.

"Kagome!" Sesshoumaru shouted at me. He leapt in the air and drew his arm across the chests of three men. He landed with his hand on the ground, dodging a punch to the head. "Where are you going?"

"Hold my back! I've gotta go after this guy!"

He was running to the roof, I realized, probably to escape on a helicopter. As I was just reaching the stairs, a shot barely missed my head and punched a hole in front of me. I was forced to drop, cussing out the man who shot out.

I leapt at him before he could pull the trigger again, surprised when his other hand reached out and punched my stomach. I gagged at the pain and threw up blood.

"You're wasting my time!"

I was able to get a hold of him and threw him against the wall. Before he could recover, I jumped on him and beat his face bloody. He finally passed out and I chased after the boss again, choking back the urge to throw up again.

He was closing in on a helicopter, I saw, as I jumped out from the doors. He looked back at me with an obvious look of terror. He replaced it with a smirk and boarded the helicopter. The blades were picking up speed, throwing my hair in various directions.

"NOO!" The base of the helicopter was out of arm's reach by the time I was in the same spot it originally was. Sesshoumaru appeared at my side, breathing hard.

"He's getting away!"

I whipped out another arrow and placed it in my bow, pulling the string back.

"Not if I have a say in this."

I let it go and it sunk true into the bosses' arm. He screamed and fell out of the helicopter with a dull thump, the case smashing in top of him.

He was trying to crawl away when Sesshoumaru and I reached him. An arrow quivered in his left arm.

"Dammit, bitch! I'm going to kill you!"

Faster than I could think, he pulled out a gun from his pocket and fired. I couldn't breathe when Sesshoumaru was suddenly in front of me, wincing in pain and clutching his bloody shoulder.

He took the bullet for me.

Utter fury instantly flooded me, deeper and redder than any other feeling I had ever experienced. I dashed past my partner and thrust the dagger I was holding into his heart with a cry of rage. He gurgled blood and slowly collapsed at my feet. I felt no pity whatsoever. Slowly, I walked over to where he lay and wrenched the briefcase out of his dead grasp. Not that I really needed it now that he was dead. I thought about the department, their faces when I told them that I had just killed one of the most wanted men in Japan.

I guess that I wouldn't be expecting happy faces.

"Wow. I…shouldn't make…you… angry…" Sesshoumaru laughed haltingly. I remembered his pain and ran to him, assessing his wound. His white, casual shirt was now red.

I winced and gingerly helped him to his feet, feeling horribly guilty. This was the first time I've ever had a partner, and he receives a bullet wound in under an hour.

"Ugh, Sesshoumaru! That was a stupid _stupid_ thing to do? Why? You've just met me!"

He grimaced as his awkward steps jolted his arm.

"Because…ow…that's what partners…are for…ouch!"

I sighed as we made our way down the stairs, the police rushing up, flooding the stairways. Several times, someone would smash into Sesshoumaru's arm and I would yell at them, making him laugh despite the pain. The briefcase was lost to me in the wave of police.

I rushed him to the nearest hospital, running through red lights and nearly killing innocent pedestrians. I was 100% sure of my receiving a ticket in the mail.

"Geez, slow down! I'm not dying or anything."

"You might!" I shot back. "Of blood loss. Cuz' you seriously have to clean up my seats when you're through bleeding."

"Oh, sure, I'll tell you when."

"You do that," I scoffed, trying to hide the whole freaking-out business inside of me.

OoO~OoO

It took the doctors three hours to extract the bullet since it had lodged into his bone (I almost strangled the doctor who wouldn't tell me about his progress.)

I paced, groaned, and raided the café while they performed surgery on his shoulder. Three hours later, I would've hooted if I wasn't so damned bored of life already.

I sprinted to his room despite the doctor's protests and threw back the curtain.

Sesshoumaru lay on the bed, his shoulder wrapped up in white gauze. His attention was diverted from Rachel Ray to my hyperventilating form.

"Did you honestly wait three hours for me?" he snorted, throwing me a juice box.

"Did YOU honestly think that, after driving you here, I would just leave? You're seriously an ass."

He smiled, and I'd almost forgotten how cute that could be. I pulled up and chair and gazed at the spotted ceiling.

"So, what happened to the gang stuff?"

"Huh?" I looked back down and blinked. "Most are being used as plant fertilizer right now as corpses while the other half rots in jail. Pretty neat, huh?"

Sesshoumaru sighed and leaned his head against the pillow, his skin ashen. I wanted to brush the hair out of his face, but instead wrung my hands.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru?"

"If you were going to ask me what I want most in the world, it would have to be a chicken alfredo. With cheese on the top."

"You're so annoying."

"Thank-you."

I bit my lip.

"I just wanted to know if you'd like to be my full partner in crime. You know, like, permanently partners."

His golden eyes flickered to me, and then back away. A ghost of a smile pulled on the edges of his lips.

"Well, someone's got to keep you out of trouble."

I grinned, somehow happy and satisfied for once.

I fell asleep next to Sesshoumaru, a wide smile on my face an something strange and new blossoming in my heart.

"Wait," I remembered murmuring before my eyes shut, "you owe me lunch."

OoO~OoO

**Wow, I just noticed that in a lot of my stories, the guy usually ends up in the hospital. Huh. Why are injured people so attractive? (o.O)**

**Well maybe this story wasn't as mushy gushy as I wanted it to be, but other than that, I was afraid that the plot would move too quickly. For once, I'm concerned about the speed. **

**Wait, was it too fast? HAVE I FAILED AGAIN?!?!**

**Noo!**


End file.
